My parents decided to part ways during my early childhood. That sowed the first seeds of depression. I craved for a complete family. I’d watch my friends bring their dads to school and I couldn’t. I moved to Goa for my education and lived at a boarding lodge/hostel. The environment was toxic and violent. It was a common practice to beat up and abuse us. All of this confused and scared me. My mother worked extremely hard to provide for me and I didn’t wish to burden her with the horrors I faced.
I decided to move to Mumbai for my high school graduation. Since I had spent too many years alone, I wanted friends and company. Anyone could sense me desperate desire to fit in. Unfortunately, with no right guidance to fall back upon, I took up the wrong habits to blend into the fast crowd and noise of the city.
Tired, I returned to my hometown for college education. I thought staying with my mother would help, it didn’t. The damage was complete by then. My elder brother’s passing was the final nail in the coffin. I spiraled into a dark hollow and refused to climb out. Nothing was worth the effort. I failed the first year of college and struggled with belief in God and religion as opposed to my mother’s strong faith.
Failing the exam shifted something on the inside. I started attending sessions regularly and fell in love with literature. There was peace and solace in prose, poetry and criticism. I started feeling better after therapy.
Expressing Depression Through Poetry
It hasn’t been easy. I have gone from hating people to pleasing them for no reason. In spite of the support I have tried to take my life. My counsellor’s unconventional methods have helped me introspect and confront my actions, reactions and decisions. I express my depression through poetry. photography and blogs to express the way I feel.
I believe it is okay to not be okay. One can have a difficult history, feel suicidal, end up with the wrong set of people and make errors in judgement. What is not okay is to be that way and not reach out for help. One must help oneself first. No matter how tough it gets, there’s only one YOU, the world needs you.
You may also be interested in reading about Anjali Johny: On Managing Anxiety with Baking